I recently decided to become the last person on the planet to join Facebook. I’m not sure why I even did it. But, now that I was there, I figured I better make up for lost time and stalk every girl I have ever known. Welcome to my new dating app: Assbook.
To be perfectly honest, I found the whole thing kind of weird in a way:
Well, as you know, I already found Indiana on there, which is still going strong:
I tried for some other girls who I knew decades ago. I exchanged a few back and forths on FB Messenger until they learned what I was all about. Next.
And then something interesting happened one day:
So, this girl who I work with, but have never met, ended up stalking me. Now, I’m going to be the one who ends up stalking her vagina:
And let the magic begin:
I did want to see this big-mouthed Jewish guido (I’ll call her Guidish!) again afterwards. We exchanged numbers. We began texting. I was glad to find that she had a sense of humor with my autocorrect text skills:
I sprung her for a second date. And that’s when she got a little sprung herself:
So, I cut out the nonessential texting and set up a second date. Having only two dates was not going to cut it, though:
Because we all know what to expect on the third date.
Winning, indeed. She exceeded expectations.
But, here’s a funny story about how winning I really was:
I know, I know, she probably noticed…but the point is she still put her panties on over it anyway like a filthy animal. I like this girl.
The returns on Assbook have been solid so far. I mean, who needs to even need to swipe on Tinder or Bumble anymore??
Currently, I have a steady stream of girls to keep me entertained, as long as they play ball with my FWB ways:
This new girl, Guidish, is totally working out. Litaly, on the other hand, not so much. But, before I get to Litaly, I feel it’s time to get a little personal and talk about those FWB ways. It’s time we talk…about David Shepard 3.0.