A Dating App Called Facebook

I recently decided to become the last person on the planet to join Facebook.  I’m not sure why I even did it.  But, now that I was there, I figured I better make up for lost time and stalk every girl I have ever known.  Welcome to my new dating app: Assbook.

To be perfectly honest, I found the whole thing kind of weird in a way:

Well, as you know, I already found Indiana on there, which is still going strong:

I tried for some other girls who I knew decades ago. I exchanged a few back and forths on FB Messenger until they learned what I was all about.  Next.

And then something interesting happened one day:

So, this girl who I work with, but have never met, ended up stalking me.  Now, I’m going to be the one who ends up stalking her vagina:

And let the magic begin:

I did want to see this big-mouthed Jewish guido (I’ll call her Guidish!) again afterwards.  We exchanged numbers.  We began texting.  I was glad to find that she had a sense of humor with my autocorrect text skills:

I sprung her for a second date.  And that’s when she got a little sprung herself:

So, I cut out the nonessential texting and set up a second date.  Having only two dates was not going to cut it, though:

Because we all know what to expect on the third date.

Winning, indeed.  She exceeded expectations.

But, here’s a funny story about how winning I really was:

I know, I know, she probably noticed…but the point is she still put her panties on over it anyway like a filthy animal.  I like this girl.

The returns on Assbook have been solid so far.  I mean, who needs to even need to swipe on Tinder or Bumble anymore??

Currently, I have a steady stream of girls to keep me entertained, as long as they play ball with my FWB ways:

This new girl, Guidish, is totally working out.  Litaly, on the other hand, not so much.  But, before I get to Litaly, I feel it’s time to get a little personal and talk about those FWB ways.  It’s time we talk…about David Shepard 3.0.


I’m a divorced dude living and dating in New Jersey. This blog is my story told through a first-person view of my text messages to my friends and/about my dates.