Neighbors

Hillsborough, NJ: The bat country of dating.  Good spots for finding single girls in Jersey do not include Hillsborough.  When Money Magazine promotes Hillsborough as a top 50 place to live in the USA, they do not include David Shepard’s vote in their polls.

My single scene of choice is Morristown, NJ.  Morristown will be a recurring feature of mine in The 973 blog posts.  It’s a reasonable 30 minutes away from this dump and I have some roots in the area also.  There are some other decent spots within commuting distance from Shitsborough, like here, and here, but I prefer an area that has walking distance Plan B’s and C’s, in case Plan A sucks that night; those other places are all-or-nothing.

The Shangri-La to meet girls?  Hoboken?  Jersey City?  Asbury Park?  Take your pick, they’re just too far for me on most nights to go.  And on nights when there’s nothing doing?  Well, I can always roll with some high society neighbors:

Yup, that’s my life when I’m not out.  If it was only crackheads here, I might start to think my area was on the up and up.  But it’s not just crackheads; it’s crackheads and Loca.

Meet Loca, a well-preserved, late-40’s-ish Latina single mom, who was left in the lurch by her ex, Mr. “Juan-he-a-cheated”:

Poor Loca has not been dating, so even the slightest bit of male attention goes a long way.  Loca decides to casually show up to my place one day wearing booty shorts and a bra-less tank top:

I know what you’re thinking, but I was feeling it at first, but then I did some easy Dave math: It’s only a matter of time before Loca sees me bring other girls around, so better firm up expectations now before shit with Loca gets Loco:

Best “laid” plans…

I’m still digging my options at this point, but Loca ratchets up her pursuit another notch:

It’s pretty hard to turn off a dude with offers of sex on a platter but doubling down and sending five texts an hour like these may actually get the job done.

Loca now stages an in-person meeting:

I don’t get overwhelmed easily, but my current state of neighbor affairs is devolving by the minute.  My friend here asked me about Loca’s visit and I explained some additional details that were piling on at the moment:

That old mamajuana gag.  So, with Loca’s version of Desperate Housewives gnawing my libido down to dust, there’s only one course of action with Teri Snatcher now, and I must act swiftly:

1) Release the ghosts (the hounds are next):

2) Clown her in hilarious texts:

3) Have some fun and play troll:

 

4) Use the situation to my advantage:

Get me out of here and to Morristown ASAP.

 

by

I’m a divorced dude living and dating in New Jersey. This blog is my story told through a first-person view of my text messages to my friends and/about my dates.