How did I wake up at 40 with two kids, alone in my bed, scrolling through a dating app? Crap. Yes, I am divorced.
I don’t think anyone grows up saying, “I hope I get divorced,” or, “My goal in life is to be divorced.” I was a believer in the picket fence: 2.5 kids, Volvo, center-hall colonial, designer handbags and trips to Disney. At some point, I had all of it. And now I failed at life (But did I really?). Or at least the life that I thought I wanted (We will come back to this).
That’s the crazy part. I have been a single person for over 18 months. That’s when “they” say it clicks.
Who is “they”? No idea, but “they” are totally right.
What does “clicked” even mean? It means that I have this overwhelming feeling that this is where my life should be. I am happy. But how did I get here???
I married young, too young before I know who I was or what I wanted. Evidently, I am a very slow learner. I married a dynamic, charming, charismatic man. What I didn’t realize is that he was not the man I needed and I was not the woman for him. I needed a man that would put me first, that would be open to my needs, wants and desires. I found that my life revolved around only his needs and making him happy. As his needs were put first (and my needs were lost), I lost respect for him and in this process I lost confidence, my sex life, my swagger and essentially I lost myself.
And then divorce. There are so many bad parts of divorce: the impact on the kids, your finances, the constant longing for a family and a partner. Then, there is the stigma that you are now a divorcee. You now fall into the cougar category automatically. I refuse to believe that I am a cougar (even though I probably am).
I focused on the kids and my career for a while. My career saved me by providing financial support but also giving me an outlet to build my confidence. I am positive a ton of women stay in shitty marriages because they don’t have the financial means to support themselves. #awful.
Welcome to my journey. This journey is my adventure in dating, love, and ultimately finding who I am.
I now know that I am going to be ok. I am right where I should be and love will find me when it’s ready.