Arrival: Is this really happening?

How did I wake up at 40 with two kids, alone in my bed, scrolling through a dating app?  Crap. Yes, I am divorced.

I don’t think anyone grows up saying, “I hope I get divorced,” or, “My goal in life is to be divorced.”   I was a believer in the picket fence:  2.5 kids, Volvo, center-hall colonial, designer handbags and trips to Disney. At some point, I had all of it. And now I failed at life (But did I really?).  Or at least the life that I thought I wanted (We will come back to this).

That’s the crazy part.  I have been a single person for over 18 months.  That’s when “they” say it clicks.

Who is “they”? No idea, but “they” are totally right.

What does “clicked” even mean?  It means that I have this overwhelming feeling that this is where my life should be.  I am happy.  But how did I get here???

I married young, too young before I know who I was or what I wanted.  Evidently, I am a very slow learner.  I married a dynamic, charming, charismatic man.  What I didn’t realize is that he was not the man I needed and I was not the woman for him.  I needed a man that would put me first, that would be open to my needs, wants and desires.  I found that my life revolved around only his needs and making him happy.  As his needs were put first (and my needs were lost), I lost respect for him and in this process I lost confidence, my sex life, my swagger and essentially I lost myself.

And then divorce.  There are so many bad parts of divorce:  the impact on the kids, your finances, the constant longing for a family and a partner.  Then, there is the stigma that you are now a divorcee.  You now fall into the cougar category automatically.  I refuse to believe that I am a cougar (even though I probably am).

I focused on the kids and my career for a while.  My career saved me by providing financial support but also giving me an outlet to build my confidence.  I am positive a ton of women stay in shitty marriages because they don’t have the financial means to support themselves.  #awful.

Welcome to my journey.  This journey is my adventure in dating, love, and ultimately finding who I am.

I now know that I am going to be ok.  I am right where I should be and love will find me when it’s ready.

 

by

Boy Mom, Sister, Friend, New Englander, Career-Driven, Shoe-Snob, Fast Driver, and Divorced