Bartenders, Top of the Pounding Food Chain

I’ve been after this bartender for some time now.  After my initial move did not pan out, I asked the Grand Daddy Dating Poobah, who I wrote about in my Bartender and Catfish blog, how he would attempt this feat.  I will go to this man for advice on this topic at any time since he not only has macked bartenders, but bar owners as well:


So, after a couple of visits I played it cool and waited.  Then waited some more until, one day, the moment was right.  In actuality, it wasn’t right at all, but heading into October I had my weekends completely booked.  Booked, except one: This one.  This was it.

I didn’t like forcing matters, but I didn’t want to wait anymore.  As long as I could assemble a crew, I’d feel alright about it.

The plan was simple:

  • Just walk up to this most amazing bartender, and tell her that she really needs to go out with me, simply because she needs to.

Simple.  I just need the general idea and the details will fall into place naturally.

So, I called up The Greek and Wart.  The Greek was not available but Wart was free.  Then I contacted my friendly favorite bouncer who knew exactly what time it was:

I spread the exciting news to the ladies and Nass:

I was set.  This night was going to be exactly what I wanted.  With all my dreams about to come true, I could just lean back and let it come to me.

Wart and I ate at Godfather Pizza early that evening.  Following that he asked me to go to the Tashmoo, where there might be a young bartender that he liked also.

While there, The Bunyan happened to roll on the scene as well.  Paul, Wart, and I all noticed this very nice looking older woman sitting down for dinner in a group of friends.  She seemed to be making eye contact with me.  Then again, in my mind, they all are.  The Bunyan stood up to leave while Wart and I finished up our drinks.  However, Wart told me he was not going to be accompanying me to the Horseshoe Tavern.

Hmmm, small change in plans.  Ok, no Greek, no problem.  No Wart…problem.  But I still had the Bouncer in my pocket.  I take care of business out the door and then go on my way:

As I get to the Horseshoe Tavern, however, the scene is not what I had imagined: There was a country band playing and the bar was packed.  But, the bartender was there.  Ok.  I go over to get a drink, and she says hi and asks me how I’m doing.  It was right there I should have made my move as I felt natural talking to her when I responded.  But I didn’t.  He who hesitates is lost.

As I drank the bourbon she poured, the other 3 bourbons and the wine from dinner all caught up to me right there.  I hung around for less than an hour, finding some filler entertainment.  However, this time I found myself much less capable of the basics…like coherent speech:

I told her she should go out with me because I am a lot of fun.  And then I told her that she should go out with me because I am a lot of fun.  I just can’t be responsible for remembering by this point.  I then said bye and stumbled out the door.  The only chick that drove me home that night was Uber.

This was an epic fail.  I thought about it for days after, in fact, cringing, knowing that my game was not up to my usual standards.  I knew the text message I was seeking was not coming that week, that month, or that ever.  The best I could hope for is to learn and try better in the future.  But, this bartender’s ship has sailed:

Can’t win them all, even me.  Time to close up shop and embark on a little escape.


I’m a divorced dude living and dating in New Jersey. This blog is my story told through a first-person view of my text messages to my friends and/about my dates.