The day I decided to move forward with the divorce, was the saddest day of my life. It was not just sad because of my ended marriage but sad for the unknown future that I was about to face. I realized that I had a choice to stay in a marriage where I didn’t trust him or leave the marriage and know that my boys will be around another female. I still think I made the right choice. I could never trust him again. I could never respect him again. And this is why it ended. I made this choice.
He has always been surrounded by attractive women. They flock to his side. He is charming, funny and dynamic. He loves and needs the attention. I don’t fault him for this but eventually it led to the destruction of our marriage. Fast forward 2 and half years later, he is in love. I knew that he would find someone immediately. And he did. Found her immediately. So she spends every other weekend with the boys. They like her, probably even love her. They say she is sweet and nice. I tell myself that this is a good thing. This is the best possible scenario except I have a problem. He hasn’t introduced me to her. The boys have been hanging out with her for almost 2 years and I haven’t been introduced.
I have a major issue with this, mostly because out of respect to me, he should have introduced me to her. He should have taken the time to introduce me to a woman who is spending every other weekend with my kids. Wasn’t that what we agreed to do? Didn’t we envision a messy extended family? Weren’t we going to respect each other as parents?
This is a wound that has not healed. Why don’t my feelings matter to him? Why doesn’t he respect me as a parent? These feelings explode inside of me and ignite an old sadness. This is the feeling of sadness where I didn’t matter. This sadness represents loneliness where only his feelings were the ones that mattered. I think back to our marriage and how many times I asked him to stop talking to her…he never did.
I continue to talk to him. I always take his calls. I proactively communicate about the boys. I listen and give advice when asked. I continue to invest emotionally in him and our relationship. I am still his sounding board. And yet, I am not respected. The way we communicate is just like when we were married.
He has done nothing wrong and I am not mad at him. I am mad at myself for being afraid to speak up for my feelings. I am mad that I don’t have the confidence to change our relationship because I’m afraid of the backlash.
Today, I will change this dynamic. I will be installing an emotional fence. I will be creating boundaries for communication. Our communication should always be friendly, focused on the boys, and respectful to each other. Wish me luck.